“This is the first time I’ve realized what it means to be a work in progress.”
Starting a business, it’s just all so unknown.
I’m always in control. Things always go the way they’re supposed to go. I’ve been at my current job for 15 years. I could do my job backwards and forwards and in the dark. But this one thing, this thing that means so much to me. I feel like I don’t have control. I have no control. And it bothers me a lot.
This is the most uncomfortable I think I’ve ever been in my whole life. I always feel like I am making this stuff up as I go. But I also see that as long as I’m going, things tend to fall into place.
I am one who started out, as I think a lot of control freaks do, as someone with little faith in others… I think I’m the only one who can do it this way. I can do it the best. I know how I want it done, so I might as well just do it.
But this process has made me go back on that belief. Because I can’t do this by myself.
I like data, and predictability. And this thing that I love so much has given me more trouble than anything in my whole life, but it is teaching me every day to trust other people. And to relinquish this false control that I think I have, to the universe.
I’ve got to be struggling to ask for help. I don’t want to burden anybody with my stuff. I just feel like everybody has their own stuff, so I don’t ever want to put more on someone else. But what I’m learning is, that people have time. There’s not a finite amount of compassion that people have to give to others. It’s like this endless pie. There’s no limit to the slices of giving, and of love you can get from other people. Because it’s not necessarily from the same pie that they need compassion from themselves.
This is the first time I think I’ve ever really realized what it means to be a work in progress. And so when people reach out to help me, I’m trying to help myself — and let them.
Beyond the Glass
MOMENTS WITH JUDE
The mess allows me to make connections that I couldn’t make if everything was up on a shelf. Sometimes you need to see life out of order to find a new way of doing things.
I’m in a season of waiting. Doing nothing is also doing something. It’s a position of openness. We don’t like being in that space because there’s uncertainty. But that is where art happens.
It’s not just alcohol that needs moderation. We need moderation in life. We go through life drunk on the next high, whatever that is. Even relationships. There’s a beauty in balance that I think gets lost…
I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Taken it down too far with the axe. Sometimes, you need to fail. If not, you aren’t trying hard enough. That’s what the woodfire pile is for.
The world is always changing. There is a gift of providence in that. A preciousness, and a sense of hope. That every day will close and begin anew…